BEWARE: The Haircut That Tells You He's an Asshole

Once upon a time I briefly dated a guy who came highly recommended by my sister's mentor. She sung his heavenly praises because years prior, he'd mentored her son. She regarded him as a "stand-up guy."

Little did she know.

He was an asshole.
And a big one.

Assholes are deftly self-centered. Because of this, Mr. Pillar-of-the-Community consistently sent me unsolicited photos of himself (which I personally thought was weird). 

*SideNote* Unless you're asking for an opinion i.e., what do you think of this dress? or you're in a vicarious predicament, don't text anyone photos of yourself. If you want the world to see how beautiful you are, hit the 'Gram. Sending a pic of your lovely smile for no reason comes off as desperate and odd. Now back to the asshole*

After our last exchange in which he took assholing to the limit, I had a light bulb moment. Like a thunderbolt, images of the haircut from all his pics burned into my mind. It was a haircut he did himself. A haircut I didn't like. A haircut I told him I didn't like. A haircut whose likability I couldn't understand. 

Why had it taken me so long to see it?

Of COURSE HE WAS AN ASSHOLE.

He had the Asshole Haircut!

The Asshole Haircut is characterized by:

• Cut very low on the sides
• Usually buzzy or "spiky" on the sides and/or top
• Square on the top 
• Crew Cuts

Men who typically wear this telling coiffure are:

Gun lovers

Homophobic

Misogynistic

Arrogant

Insecure
Argumentative

Aggressive

Needy

Anxious about money

Cocky

Know-it-Alls

Alcohol consumers
Lovers of violent sports

And most prominently,

BULLYS.

Asshole Haircut Professions:

Law-enforcement

Fire Department

Military 

Professions of authority (Coaches, Teachers, etc)

Athletes

Ladies, if you see a man with this haircut, run and run fast. His selfishness is not only debilitating, but can be dangerous. His traits do not make for a good boyfriend or husband. Aside from intimacy, the Assholism can spill into other relationships. Who wants to do business with an asshole? Or wants one teaching their children? Who wants an asshole as a person to answer to at work? Who wants an asshole waiter or salesperson assigned to help or serve you?

If at all possible, stay the fuck away from this guy. 

No man is going to tell you he's an asshole.
Fortunately, you are now equipped to speak Hairstyle. 

Let's look at some examples:

CHET:

Chet from the movie Weird Science, was a major asshole. He was in military school (clue), loved guns (clue), was homophobic (clue), misogynistic (clue) and was just a general bully (clue).

ICEMAN: 

Val Kilmer's character "Iceman" from the movie Top Gun, was an asshole. He was antagonistic, arrogant, aggressive and argumentative. He was a MILITARY pilot, and a fighter pilot no less. This can be a very arrogant career for a man considering the salary and prestige that comes with the job. #coldasice

Hank Baileygates

From the 90s movie Me, Myself and Irene, Hank Baileygates was a serious asshole. He was disturbed actually. He had a filthy mouth, drank like a fish, loved to break skulls and loved dirty, dirty sex. He too was a bully. Below he's antagonizing a little boy in a restaurant. 

Warden Norton

Warden Norton from the extraordinary movie The Shawshank Redemption, was King Asshole. He was corrupt, hypocritical, a murderer, an extortionist, a liar, a bribe taker and above all, heartless. It doesn't get anymore "asshole" than heartless. He ended up committing suicide in the film rather than face the consequences of his actions. Cowardice can be another asshole trait.

Biff

Biff from the wildly successful movie Back to the Future, was a violent and selfish bully who got what he wanted by intimidating others. He even attempted to rape one of the lead characters (Marty McFly's mother). He was an Ass to the Hole who used his fists to do the talking.

Colonel Jessup 

Colonel Jessup from A Few Good Men, was admirably devoted to the Marines way of life. He took offense to being questioned about the manner in which he protected his country. He was an arrogant alpha-male with a huge sense of entitlement. In the end, he admitted to giving the "Code Red" order that cost two Marines their lives and two innocent Marines their careers. He felt the ruining of four lives was simply par for the course.

Frank Fitts 

Retired Colonel Frank Fitts was a strict disciplinarian. He'd previously sent his son to military school and briefly committed him to a psychiatric hospital for fear that he might be gay. Frank himself was a closeted gay man who -because of his denial - was morbidly homophobic and routinely punished his son physically. In the end, Frank murdered the male neighbor who rebuffed his kiss.  

Guy I briefly dated: 

One might argue that the men referenced above are fictitious, but I believe the films' costume designers were aware of the Asshole Haircut. They gave the look to these characters because it was befitting. 

To all you lovelies out there, be leery of the Asshole Haircut.

The name is well deserved.

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-WTS.

Well, some guys will tell you.. LOL.