A couple of years ago, a girlfriend and I were comparing our 'just got home' routines. We were talking about all the places we check for the "killer" we imagined could've broken into our homes. I hadn't realized that other women shared my 'killer-in-the-shower' fear. She was surprised to learn that my routine didn't involve checking under my bed.
I have no need to.
If there was a killer hiding in my home, he'd have to be one hell of a contortionist to fit under my bed because there's simply no room under there (thank God!) What I truly took away from our conversation, was though we're independent, courageous, competent and strong,
Many women-on some level or other- still fear a Bogeyman. A deranged stranger out to murder us.
Crime expert Gavin de Becker said in his book "The Gift of Fear," that one of the biggest differences between men and women is in fact, what we fear.
Men fear rejection.
Women fear being murdered.
I know when I go out with a new guy, I give full disclosure to my friends and/or family of ALL his details. Name, number, address (if I have it), where we're going, what time, where I met him, where he works, license plate number, the whole shebang. This may seem excessive but like the man said,
Women fear being murdered.
It's not uncommon for most women to perform "killer checks" when they get home. An inspection specifically searching for clues or evidence that an intruder has either been in your car, house or worse,
Is still waiting for you there.
One of my biggest fears, is that the killer is hiding in my shower.
Fully dressed,
Sharp blade clutched in hand,
Crouching behind the shower curtain,
Not making a sound,
Waiting for just the right moment to pounce,
Stabbing me into a bloody frenzy,
Ignoring my screams,
Laughing wickedly,
Becoming ever excited by my torture!
I mean, Michael Jackson even sang about it.
Yeah, I have a vivid imagination, but the 'killer-hiding-in-the-shower' fear is real for many of womankind. Knowing this, I was taken aback by the prank version of this fear realized.
Killer in the shower, shower curtains.
Hmm..
Surprisingly, this gag item actually helped assuage my fear. Once I saw the killer's outline on the shower curtain, my paranoia diminished quite a bit. My shoulders relaxed. My jaw unclenched. I let out a laugh. In that moment I grasped how unlikely it is that a murderer will be waiting to bring me to a violent death in my bathroom.
I felt relieved.
Thank you gag gift.
The shower curtain I saw was somewhat convincing, but not others.
Whomever decided to make these shower curtains was either aware of womens' greatest fears or has a sick sense of humor.
Maybe we should stab them to death?
In any event, even with implied ghastliness, I thought some of these curtains were pretty funny.
What I liked most was the killer is fake! No one "behind" these curtains can hurt me or anyone else.
This helped reduce my fear..
But didn't eliminate it. Such is life I suppose.
Listed below are various curtains whose foolability factor is ranked 1-10. 1= Yawn, 10=Blood curdling scream of fear.
Let me know if you agree with the rankings in the comments. Here we go..
WTS.
This might cause alarm at first glance, but I wouldn't fear a murderer. I would wonder how these hands came to be so bloody and how the fuck did they get in my bathroom?
Foolability Factor: 1
That knife looks awful sharp though. It might scare me at first glance.
Foolability Factor: 3
At first glance, I would probably clutch my pearls. Then I would wonder if he always stands around with his arm in the air, knife wielded? No one's in the shower yet. And suppose I'm not facing his direction?
Foolability Factor: 4.5
The hands are too big.. It looks like either E.T., or a dwarf sized basketball player is in there. Could also be an alien or a big-handed child, but I wouldn't suspect a killer.
Foolability Factor: 4
Same here. Hands are too big, plus, who can write "HELP ME" perfectly while writing backwards?
Foolability Factor: 2
If I was visiting someones house and saw this when I walked in their bathroom, I would probably scream. The image on this curtain is seriously deranged. It's very 'Stephen King's "IT."
Foolability Factor: 8
He looks like he's kneeling.
This one might scare me. The blood looks a bit too red though.
Foolability Factor: 6
 |
| This one looks like they're lined up for a Black Friday sale. It also reminds me of those beings that came out of the ground when one of the bad guys died in "Ghost." |
The Crime Scene
And of course, after he slices you to death, there will be a crime scene, no?
They got us covered.
Crime scene shower curtains.
Crime scene bath mats.
The crime scene towels
Crime scene toilet paper
What will they think of next?
Do you have a fear of a killer?
Leave your answers in the comments!
Till next time,
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