Never Tell A Guy You're On Your Period - EVER

I woke up in pain. I became angry with my body almost immediately.

"It's the middle of the week!" I thought. "What are you DOING??"

Dreading the fact that I had to get out of my bed to go to work, I was especially pissed that my body was entertaining rather excruciating cramps. For the sake of simply healing and feeling better, I really needed to stay in my bed.

Whatever happened to the days when the female body automatically took into account the industrialized world's apathy regarding our womanly processes, and ovaries obediently released their eggage ONLY on our days off?

The days a woman could just be a woman, and have her cramps in peace? Writhe gracefully in her lower back pain, and wait for the 1000mg Motrin to kick in? Days when she could be bloated without an audience, and take her PMS out on the cat, not colleagues.

When it comes to the biological methodology of period receivement, what's with all this get-up-and-go-to-work shit?

Internal aching in place, the last thing I cared about was getting to a job. Feeling further betrayed, I had to endure the entire trip without the medication taking effect.

Motrin you bastard. 

Arriving 30 minutes late, I had vibes of "You're lucky I came in at all BITCHES. Bah, Hormorne!"

I was bleeding goddamit, and it wasn't from no boxing match.

The new status quo of the woman workforce no longer cares about womens' needs during femme time. Nevermind Ugly Betty, it's all about the Benjamins now.

So I get to work and a Dude asks me what's wrong.

HA!

Never tell a man (you're seeing) when you've gotten your period. If you can, don't tell your bf either.

He will keep track FOREVER. Unless he has blood seeping out his OWN pussy, or he's your husband and you're trying to get pregnant (aww, good luck!), it's never a man's business.

Not to mention ladies, you won't be able to use it as an excuse. Don't wanna have sex? Don't feel like being bothered? He's a nymphomaniac and you simply need a break cuz your inner thighs still hurt from last time?

You won't be able to pull out the Period-Card. Under NO CIRCUMSTANCES must you tell men when the Redcoats have come marching in.

In the event you have cramps, pretend its something you ate. If he's coming over, hide all evidence of MenstrualDom. True, men just looove seeing remnants of tampons and pads anyway, (it's a big turn-on..*NOT*), but still. Keep your period between your legs.

And yourself.

When some guys start keeping track, don't be surprised if they avoid you during that most Womanest Time. Most will want to wait till it's over to have sex. True, if he loves you he'll spend time with you regardless, but with most guys, if he knows you're on your period, the lights may go off but your panties won't. What's crazy is men can watch the bloodiest sports on Earth, but get squeamish when it comes to Motherblood, (the very blood that enveloped them when their scaredy-cat asses came out of the womb).

I call this a Blood-Clotsymoron.

The unfortunate thing with fraidy-cat men is that many women get even hornier when they have their monthlies. My theory is that the body is trying to get that egg fertilized. It zooms up the "fuck me juice" in a woman's brain to make that happen. This would explain why women sexually peak in their late 30's and early 40's. Their body is trying to catch the last train to Babyville, and revs up that Neuro-Emotion Lotion as a result.

Not all men faint at the sight of a maxipad though. Some guys may not mind having sex when you're menstruating. Men that have children and have 'seen it all before,' typically aren't turned off by blood, and some guys in general just plain ole' don't care. It's nice when a man doesn't make you feel like a leper because you bleed for 5 days straight and don't die.

There's a special breed however, who might actually prefer you to be 'on the rag.' Who might that be, you ask?

The Rainbow Kissers of course.

A Rainbow Kiss according to Wiki:

A Rainbow Kiss is when a man goes down on a woman while she is on her period, gets blood in his mouth, and kisses it back into her mouth.

Wanna take it a step further?

A Hershey's Rainbow Kiss according to Urban Dictionary:

Involves a man and a woman engaging in a 69 position while the woman is on her period. After gathering sperm into the woman's mouth and blood into the man's mouth, one or both parties collects a bit of feces in one or both mouths and swaps all the ingredients.

Eww. I think I prefer the squeamish guy.

In any case, I still advise women to keep their periods a mystery as much as possible. The good news is that cycles change, so if your guy does start keeping track, he won't be accurate forever. Eventually your period will come sooner or later than what he thinks, and thanks to hormones your cycle may  change entirely.

Of course, if and when that happens, keep it to yourself.

Ovulation + Speculation = Penetration.

Menstruation + Confirmation = him on Playstation.

Just sayin.

-WTS.