What a Girl's Makeup Means..

This. Is. Perfect. Love love love this chick.

Watching this vid requires 4 minutes of your life. 

You can totally spare it.

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The Most Sexually Kick-Ass Songs By Women.. Part II

Welcome to Part II of one of the most comprehensive lists of the most sexually aggressive /slash/ kick-ass songs by women. In Part I we covered women artists from A-M. Now we finish the alphabet and list with more lewd, unabashed, raw, fun and sexy music ever released by a female.

As per Part I, the criteria for making the list were as follows:

Requirements for the list.

A) The women had to be themselves. More specifically, the women had to have songwriting credit on the song. If SHE wrote it, chances are, SHE meant it.

AND/OR,

B) Delivery. The delivery of the lyrics is most important because that's where the EMOTION lies. The stand out, in your face BOOM! And if you're asking a guy for sex, it's not exactly the time to be Minnie Mouse.

There was no way these songs could be numbered in order of greatness, so they're listed alphabetically.

And to reiterate, make sure you actually listen to the music. Reading the description and scrolling along won't show you the effect.

So ready?

Let's go.

12) Peaches. 99% of the music by Peaches is sexually explicit. She sings of sex with women, women and men, men and men and even women with men AS a men. Her lyrics have no boundaries. In her 40's and fearless, Peaches has mastered shock-fuck performances. Of all the songs in Peaches catalog that could easily be on this list, we chose "Billionaire" (2009) because in this song, Peaches brags that she'll fuck you like one.

"Billionaire"

11) Liz Phair, "Flower", (1993). The first thing that comes to mind is "Wo!" This is a woman who called up a label, told them to sign her, sent them a flimsy demo, and got her way.  In this song, she tells a guy, "I want to be your blowjob queen" which upset critics. Subsequently, Liz was labeled a "pandering slut" in a review by a renowned critic and producer. Liz's first album "Exile in Guyville" is an avant-garde and wild must-have. "Flower" put Liz, and her dirty mind, on the map.

"Flower"

10) POE, "Not A Virgin," (2000). Let's start by looking at the title. One can guess this song isn't about Algebra. We love Poe because she doesn't care about what people think. AT ALL. She sings with no hesitation,  ".. I been hung up, I get down, and I'll start it over again.." Whatever you say Poe. Her attitude is unafraid and matter-of-fact. And of course, non-virginal. 

"Not A Virgin"

9) "Buttons" The Pussycat Dolls, (2005). This song definitely calls a guy on his talk. "..loosen up my buttons babe, but you keep frontin, saying what you gon' do to me, but I ain't seen nothin.." I doesn't get any more direct than that. The Pussycat Dolls make it clear in this song that they are down for whatever. Maybe they should be called The Pussy Dolls?..

 "Buttons"

 

       

8) Your Mamma Won't Like Me, Suzi Quatro, (1975). Suzi cameo'd as Leather Tuscadero on Happy Days. She was a full-time musician, and became the first female bass player to become a major rock star. This song is an example of her abrasive-feminine style. Suzi has sold over 50 million albums worldwide, and continues to rock out venues and concerts. She's also active in criticizing today's young starlets for their "soft porn" images.

"Your Mamma Won't Like Me"

7) "Inside My Love," by Minnie Riperton, (1975). This song could be classified as a risque lullaby. She uses angelic vocals to ask a man if he'd like to be inside her vagina. "Will you come inside me?" is the question of the song. Minnie claimed that the song was about more than sexual propositioning. It was about intimacy. Radio was minimal in its support, and the song peaked at a disappointing 26 on the charts. Minnie died in 1979 at age 31 from breast cancer. Her music and sensual voice live on.

"Inside My Love"

6) "Saturday Night Special" by the Runaways, (1979). Don't we just love the Runaways? They were talented of musicians who grew up to amazing  in their own right, but they were also a group that -initially- was put together to capitalize on the "Lolita" fantasy. Underage girls who were hot, and yep. It WORKED. The Runaways were wild and rebellious teens who took their partying and music seriously. "Saturday Night Special" could be an anthem for loose teenagers. "I'm young and easily bored.." Yeah ok. Just make sure you're young and well protected. 

"Saturday Night Special"

 

5) "Love to Love You Baby" by Donna Summer, (1975). The song's simulated orgasms were recorded while lying on her back in a darkened studio. She said she imagined how Marilyn Monroe would've recorded it, and acted accordingly. This song, including it's simulated sex, was originally 17 minutes long. In addition to propelling Donna's career, this song was credited for launching a 10 year long herpes epidemic. This is by far one of the most sensual, sexual songs ever made. 

"Love to Love You Baby"

4) "Wild About That Thing," Bessie Smith, (1929). This song was recorded during a time when women were expected to be mothers and wives, not traveling blues musicians. This was the year of the great Stock Market crash, and Gospel music was the majority in Black homes. When Bessie Smith came out with a song with lyrics like, "Give it to me proper..", she, like many female blues singers, was labeled loose and "ungodly." Bessie's bravery for recording music that discussed being happy about a man's penis -during the 20's- is impressive. Bessie Smith is a blues legend and WTS shero.

"Wild About That Thang"

4) "Sweet Stuff" by Sylvia, (1973). The "Pillow Talk" album in its entirety is a complete seductionfest. This song is direct yet kittenesque. She invites a potential lover to her "crib with a waterbed.." and fills the entire song with moaning and heavy breathing. This song is sophisticated, feminine and sensual. I would advise checking out the whole album. It's extremely interesting and alluring.

"Sweet Stuff"

3) "Call Me" by Tweet, (2002). Tweet's debut album 'Southern Hummingbird' was a classic. Her voice is soft and strong at the same time. This song is asking a lover to pay her a visit, and "she'll be sure to meet, with no panties on.." Although provocative, this song is smooth and subtle. Her invite for sexual trysts aren't too aggressive. She may want him to do her, but she's a lady about it.

"Call Me"

 

2) "Hard As a Rock," Cherry Vanilla, (1978). Cherry started out as David Bowie's publicist and became a rock singer in the early 1970's. She was best known for her modus operandi - namely- offering blowjobs to dj's who would play Bowie's records on their stations. She was a major player in the British punk scene, and her brashness was revered. Hard as a rock indeed. This song was pre-Viagra..

"Hard as a Rock"

1) Vanity 6, "Nasty Girl." Classic. Tastefully nasty. Legendary sex appeal. Vanity is one of the most beautiful women who ever did it. Prince knew what he was doing when he formed this group. This appearance on Soul Train is an example of why they were so successful: Authentic sex appeal. All natural. Beautiful women who wanted to have sex but remain nameless. The original Vagina 6, the final of the list.

"Nasty Girl"

This concludes our comprehensive list of the most Sexually Kick-Ass songs by women. 

These women went up against radio, religion, stereotypes and gender roles that attempted to control and censor them. 

We honor them in this collage and honor all women who seek their desires with determination and self-confidence.

Even if the men get mad.

Any songs that should've been included but weren't?

The "comments" section por favor.

Till next time.

Keep rockin.

The Most Sexually Kick-Ass Songs By Women.. Part I

Welcome to one of the most comprehensive lists of the most sexually aggressive /slash/ kick-ass songs by women. Before we get into the music, understand why this post was a must-do.

As forward and sexually aggressive as women can be,

It can still be treated as taboo.

Society has become majorly progressive, but it still judges women and places restrictions on how we "should" and "should not" behave, especially as it pertains to our sexual interactions. Men still like to be the aggressor for the most part, and women - who like to be the aggressor and go after what they want sexually - run the risk of being negatively labeled.

Whore.
Slut.
Loose.

Sadly, Confident hardly ever makes this list. Oddly enough, Confidence is exactly what it takes to be this bold.

We wanted to showcase women who had the guts to be sexually provocative. Women who made their propositions LOUDLY, and didn't need permission. Brazen females who let it be known in their songs:

FUCK ME.

Many of these artists were banned, boycotted and criticized by religious figures and the like because of their sexually unapologetic music.

Damn straight they deserve some accolades.

SO,

With that little tidbit out of the way, lets get into tunes, shall we?

Requirements for the list.

A) The women had to be themselves. More specifically, the women had to have songwriting credit on the song. If SHE wrote it, chances are, SHE meant it.

AND/OR,

B) Delivery. The delivery of the lyrics is most important because that's where the EMOTION lies. The stand out, in your face BOOM! And if you're asking a guy for sex, it's not exactly the time to be Minnie Mouse.

There was no way these songs could be numbered in order of greatness, so they're listed alphabetically.

Last, make sure you actually WATCH the videos. Don't just read the description and keep scrolling because you won't get the full effect. This compilation can blow your mind if you let it.

And we're off!

PART I: The Most Sexually Kick-Ass Songs By Women

26) Apollonia 6,  'Sex Shooter,'(1984). Patricia Kotero replaced Vanity in the the movie Purple Rain. Although considered one of "Prince's women," Apollonia makes no bones about the fact that she was merely hired help. While asking us to "come on and kiss the gun," she's stated emphatically that she was NEVER Prince's girlfriend. Employee or not, if Prince hired her to be sexy, he got his money's worth. 

"Sex Shooter"

26B) Vanity 6 also recorded "Sex Shooter" before the Apollonia days. Her version is an honorable mention..

"Sex Shooter" by Vanity 6

 

25) "Might Like You Better" by Amanda Blank (2009). Amanda Blank is super badass. Hailing from Philly, this rapper's lyrics are ALWAYS in your face and no holds barred. She is bold and she's knows it. She's worked with producers Spank Rock, Diplo and Dave Sitek. She's toured with label mate Santigold and (lucky fuck) opened for Peaches. She released her first solo album in 2009.

"Might Like You Better"

24) "If I'm Lucky I'll Get Picked Up," Betty Davis (1973). This song reached number 66 on the Billboard Charts. Married to Miles Davis for a year, Betty moved to London after her divorce and worked as a model. She came back to the states with the intention to work with Santana, but instead pursued her own music. Sexually rebellious and loud, many of Betty's songs were attacked by religious groups. This resulted in lack of radio play by stations who feared boycotts. Betty was a woman who was truly years before her time. She officially stopped recording music in 1979. Even the title "If I'm lucky I'll get picked Up" shows that Betty was not afraid to reveal her sexual inclinations through her music. What a fucking awesome song title.. and Woman!!

   "If I'm Lucky I'll Get Picked Up"

23)  "Take It Off" by The Donnas (2002). They're propositioning a guy, asking bluntly, "Why don't you break me off?" Reminiscent of the Runaways, the Donna's (who go by Donna 1, Donna 2, Donna 3 and Donna 4) used be known as 'The Electrocutes.' They're currently working on an album despite their original drummer having to leave the project due to a shoulder injury. As live performers, these women are electric and can definitely break any crowd off.

"Take it Off"

22) "Sugar Walls" by Sheena Easton (1984). The second single from her, 'A Private Heaven' album, this song was publicly criticized by televangelist Jimmy Swaggart for its sexual lyrics. It was written by Prince under the pseudonym Alex Nevermind, and reached number 3 on the R&B charts. Sheena was a nice girl before she hooked up with Prince. She went from singing about her baby's morning train to the lining of her vagina. This song is definitely direct and upfront. Would you like some sugar with that?..

"Sugar Walls"

21) 'Kiss Me Deadly' by Lita Ford (1988). "Went to a party last Saturday night, didn't get laid but that's alright.." During the 'Hair Band' era, Lita Ford (formerly of Glamrock band the Runaways) held her own and held it down for the ladies. 'Kiss Me Deadly' was named the 76th best Hard Rock Song of All Time. Currently, Lita's voice and likeness can be found in the XBox and Playstation3 video game 'Brutal Legend.' In this video, I love the way she acts like she's riding a guy at..1:43. Classic.

 "Kiss Me Deadly"

 

20) 'Freak Like Me' by Adina Howard, (1995). A confessional into her Freakdom, this single went certified Gold when it was released. The downside was, this song pigeonholed Adina into singing only about sex. No one took her seriously as an artist and her career hit its plateau with this single. She's currently working on her Culinary Arts degree.

  "Freak Like Me"

 

19) "Funk Me," by H.W.A. (1990). H.W.A. stands for Hoes Wit Attitudes. With a name like that, what type of music would one expect? Every song they did was related sex. "Funk Me" was the first single off their first album titled 'Livin in a Hoe House.' This same album offered the song "Little Dick" which is one of my personal faves. The song is hilarious, and this groups brutal honesty about what they want and their feelings about all things sex is unmatched. H.W.A. is currently touring select dates, mostly overseas.

"Funk Me"

 

18) "Tattooed Love Boys" by Chrissie Hynde (the Pretenders, 1979). In this songs Chrissie sings about "target practice in the hole." I love it. Singing to the tattooed love boys she once teased, they showed her "what that hole was for." The band the Pretenders was formed AROUND Chrissie in 1978. She was the star and needed mates to back her. Always fearless and honest in her music, Chrissie Hynde is a musical legend. This 80's punk rock-new wave jam is the perfect song to taunt any guy.

"Tattooed Love Boys"

17) "Slow Tongue" by Millie Jackson (1983). The QUEEN of dirty talk in music. No topic was taboo. She sang about fucking your man, you fucking my man, can you fuck like a man, fuck you and lick it motherfucker.

Millie was no joke.

She's a phenomenal entertainer as you'll see in this clip. Talk about BOLD, Millie not only talks the talk she walks the walk- ON STAGE. "Slow Tongue" is one of the most outrageous performances by a woman and during it's heyday, made many people uncomfortable. She sang about sex and it's relatives during a time when women were still very much expected to stick to their to gender roles. Currently, she hosts a radio show in Atlanta and has been doing so for the past 17 years. Millie Jackson is absolutely the QUEEN of Fuck songs. Google her and find out yourself.

"Slow Tongue"

16) 'My Neck My Back' by Khia, (2002). One hit wonder Khia doesn't make you guess what she wants licked: Her NECK, her BACK, her PUSSY and her CRACK and in that order. Lick it now, lick it good. According to Wikipedia, she was describing both cunnilingus and anilingus. She supposedly wrote this song in 15 minutes. I'd never heard the term "anilingus" before reading about her. Alrighty then.

 

"My Neck My Back"

 

 

15) "Do Me" by Jean Knight, (1972). Given the year it was released, this song was provocative for its time. Jean was most known for her song 1971 hit "Mr. Big Stuff," which was on the same album. She was later known for her '80s hit, "My Toot Toot" in which she declared, "I know ya gotta another woman, so don't mess with my toot toot." What a cute way to tell someone to fuck off, no? In this song Jean asks her lover to "do me baby, like a natural man, any way you can." Sang with lust and confidence, this song communicates what Jean wants and how she wants it.

"Do Me"

14) Lil Kim, "Big Mama Thang," (1996). When the first line of a song is "I used to be scared of the dick, now I throw lips to the shit, handle it like a real bitch.." One can gather that when it comes to sex, Lil Kim ain't so "lil." Raunchy and ready, Lil' Kim established herself as a sexually aggressive vixen. She could fuck you and fuck you up. Whuh Whuh..

"Big Mamma Thang"

13) "Justify My Love" by Madonna, (1990). Written by her (alleged) ex-lover Lenny Kravitz, this video was banned by every major music video outlet for its extreme sexual themes, including girl-on-girl intimacy. If you listen, you can hear the moans and groans of Lenny singing background vocals. This song is fucking incredible, and one of the sexiest, most sensual songs ever made.

"Justify My Love"

That concludes Part I, but there is one honorable mention. I was going to include this as "Best Song About Masturbation" but in light of new information, that's changed. We say a very peaceful Goodbye to Chrissy Amphlette who died on April 21st after battling breast cancer and Multiple Sclerosis. She was the lead singer of The Divinyls, famous for their 1991 hit "I Touch Myself." Initially about masturbation, upon learning she had breast cancer, Amphlette began using this song to encourage women to give themselves breast exams. She implored women to "touch themselves" in the name of health. She is survived by her husband of 14 years, Charley Drayton. 

The Divinyls, "I Touch Myself"

If you feel any songs were left out or should be on this list, feel free to leave links, names, etc in the comments.

We love raunchy songs by women. By all means, if you can recommend some, do so dammit. :-)


Part II coming soon.

WTS.

 

How To Eat PU$$Y

The VICE Guide to Eating Pussy

By VICE http://www.vice.com/read/guide-eating-pussy-100-guides

Men suck at eating pussy. Not because they don’t like it but because it’s really fucking hard. You have to learn it. Giving good head is the key to just about everything in life (including getting good head later on), so it’s time we broke it down. Like this.
The secret to giving good head is to read the signs. You could be the best sexual mechanic in the world, but if you can’t read the emotional road signs, you’re going to end up wandering around in a desolate labial wasteland until, eventually, you drop from exhaustion, hot tears of confusion streaming down your face.

Think of eating the puss as your way of saying, “Although I am about to rock your insides with 3,000 lbs. of explosives, here’s a little intimate treat session to show you how I really feel.” Instead of a screaming “OH MY GOD!!” like her baby has been trapped under a car (which is what fucking should do), cunnilingus elicits a more splendiferous “ooohmygodohmygodohmygod.” Kind of like being massaged with exotic fruits by a muscular Arab oil sheik. A good mange (that’s French for “eat,” you brutes) is like a thousand years of Saturdays or a “Calgon, take me away” ad.

Break it down!

1) Be Down
Don’t go down unless you’re down. Unlike fellatio, cunnilingus can never be done as a favor. Doing it when you don’t want to will only bring on the dry heaves. Eat like a pig at the trough and a lot of stupid mistakes get forgiven.

2) Don’t Say Hi to Dry
A dry pussy is an unhappy pussy. If your fingers graze a dry bush, go back to the kissing and hugging for awhile. Just make sure you actually dip your finger between the lips. Sometimes moisture gets trapped between the labia and a little fingerial coaxing is all that’s needed to get the honey dripping.

Once you’re sure the beaver is wet, give it a few light, teasing strokes with your finger. There’s nothing worse than rushing into this, so make sure she’s really begging for it before you get under the covers.

Extra tip: Be like Prince and bring up a wet finger that both of you can share like a 1950s milkshake with two straws.

Important: Don’t play your trump card too soon by putting your fingers all the way inside. This can detract from the upcoming penetration and kill the tease factor. Try to remember that 78 percent of a woman’s pleasure is about yearning. Poking it in too soon is sure to put out the fire.

3) Submarine Mission for You, Baby
Once she’s lathered up, it’s time to go down. Get your fingers out of there and don’t touch anything for a bit. Let your lap do a bit of grinding and get some last-minute necking in like you’re going away on vacation.

Though it’s very tempting on your way down to pull the blankets over your head like the little mole-man that you are, this is a very bad idea. It gets super hot down there and whipping the duvet off your head and gasping for air ten seconds before she comes is pretty much going to kill the mood.

Start by kissing her boobs and stomach and slowly working your way down. Don’t get carried away with those stupid tits, though. That’s something you should have taken care of before the pants even came off. Right now it’s all about the stomach and inner thighs. A little bit of gentle biting is good, but a sure winner is to start at the knee and move towards the muff in a slow, shark-like swoop. Nibble your way right up to the edge of her cunt, then skip across it and head for the other knee. Repeat. Doing this a few times will get her really hot and save you a lot of pussy-eating time in the long run.

When you’re just about ready to do the deed, start practicing on that weird crevice next to the lips. Don’t spend too long there or she might start to think that you think that’s the actual cunt.

By now she should be dying for you to make your move. If you’re doing it right, she’ll be moaning and trying to force your head between her legs. Stretch this phase out until she looks like she’s been holding her breath for three days.

Extra trick: Hover over the bush for about five seconds before the first lick. If you wait longer than that, she might think you’re having second thoughts because it smells bad. Of course, we all know that motherfucker smells sweeter than a bowl of steamin’ crawdaddies.

Important: Never bite the cunt in any way whatsoever. If this needs more explaining you should probably just stick to jerking off.

4) Parting the Red Seas
Isolate your playing field. Pubic hairs are to eating pussy what the Cavity Creeps are to dental hygiene. You’re never going to be able to identify all the parts if she looks like that PiL album That What Is Not. One hot trick is to get her to spread her lips apart so her pussy is all set up for you like a great big buffet.

5) The Grand Entrance
Do your first lick super slow. It’s good to groan and moan too. It shows you’re digging it while sending microscopic audiophonic vibrations right up her snapper. Start just above the anus and take it all the way to the fur. Do about a dozen of these “St. Bernard licks” before moving on (take it really slow, like four seconds per lick). This is a good time to figure out what kind of clit she has. If it’s real sensitive, she’ll probably convulse as you pass over it and that means you’re in for an easy ride. If there’s no reaction when you graze over her clit, she probably has one of those nerveless little pea clits and you’re in for a thirty-minute session of tongue tendinitis.

6) Rock the Boat
Eating pussy is so gentle it can make you feel like a bit of a fag. If you’re getting tired of being ballerina boy, take it out on the clit. Figure out how much abuse it can take without making her uncomfortable and show the little bastard who’s boss.
After all, Mr. Elusive is precisely what makes muff diving so difficult. He’s surrounded by labia and, even after you find him, all the pressure can pop him over to the side. All of a sudden you’re giving the pee hole the seeing-to of its life. Think of the clit as a tumor in a pile of earlobes. When you push down on the area he’s the only one that can’t be squished. Once one of your tongue troopers finds him, call for reinforcements. Use your lips to get hers out of the way and focus all your attention into getting him alone. Once you find him, give him a bit of a hard time for trying to hide from you. Frisk him and give him a couple of whacks across the head. More on this punk and his bad attitude later.
Extra important tip: The best way to stimulate the clit is to run your entire tongue over it after you isolate it from the lips. The man in the boat should feel the texture of the entire tongue pushing down on his body and his boat.

7) Identifying the Clit Type
After the slow licks it’s time to get this party started. There are essentially two types of clitori: ones that enjoy a serious going-over and ones that don’t. The latter suck about as much as a one-inch penis and you should dump her right away.
Extra tip: Clits come in all shapes, sizes, and sensitivities, but that doesn’t really tell you much. All of them want to be treated slow and soft at the beginning, but the only way to tell if you can go fast at the end is by reading her reactions. This is impossible to teach, but just do the best you can. All we can tell you is convulsing means take it ease and “Oh my God” means bring it on.

8a) Clits That Need a Serious Going-over
These are the most fun because you can be creative. Pretend your tongue is the bad cop and the clit is the guy who killed your partner. Separate him from his buddies (the lips) and suck him right up into your mouth. Now he’s on your turf. Keep him erect by creating an airtight vacuum chamber in your mouth. Slap the little bugger upside the head with one big tongue bonk. He’s not going to tell you shit because he’s a clit and he has no idea what you’re talking about, but kick his ass anyway. After a few teasers and swirling circles, rat-a-tat-tat him senseless like a boxer whacking a speed bag. If she starts freaking out like it’s too much, ease up on the interrogation and go back to the St. Bernard licks. The vacuum is a great way to bring her to orgasm, but it’s a bit much sometimes, so mix things up with some circles around the clit and some tongue fucking.

As you’re closing in for the kill, go back to the vacuum and give the suspect a relentless head smacking. Up-and-downies are usually the most effective, but your tongue will get less tired if you throw in a few side-to-sides. When you feel the inner thighs start to shake, this is it. Be repetitive. Do NOT be creative. You’re almost home and this is not the time to start changing tactics.

Extra tip: To keep the rhythm going, try repeating a chant in your head that goes with the movement of your tongue like a Micmac Indian (hi-yi-yi-ya, hi-yi-yi-ya, hi-yi-yi-ya). Any inconsistent action may throw her off, killing the mood or at least setting you back a few minutes, which is bad for morale.

Important: Keep going several seconds after her orgasm. Remember, it isn’t over until the hands come down from above and lay you off. If she’s multiorgasmic, you’ll have to keep going until you’ve done the whole routine another four or five times. If you’re not sure what to do, just keep giving her shit until the magic hands come down to pull you off.

8b) Clits That Don’t
Some clits don’t want to be singled out and battered around. These are the boring ones that need to be treated with gentle care. Just do casual St. Bernard licks until she cums, pure and simple. If you’re getting bored try going in some different directions for a while. A good way to keep it random is to spell out different letters of the alphabet with the tip of your tongue. You could be looking at half an hour here, pal, and that can be problematic. If you go for that long and she doesn’t cum, you’re going to be in a foul mood, so if it’s too much work, move on. On the bright side, going for thirty minutes is something few people have the patience for, so sticking it out will lead to some payback when period week comes around.

9) The Conclusion
Once you’re done (totally finished), she’s going to want you out of there pronto because the whole area is sensitive. Instead of leaving, stick out your tongue and lay it down on her like a thick, soggy carpet. Make sure you don’t move it or anything because that can actually hurt her. Just let it sit there like a dead manta ray for about thirty seconds. Then come up and wipe your face like a pirate. You now have a good minute to get the condom on and take her from the quarters of Prince Muhammad Muhammad Saddat to the cockpit of an F-15.


EXTRA BONUS TRACKS

1) Getting Fired
If two hands suddenly drop from the sky and start pulling you up, you’ve just been sacked. She’ll tell you she never cums from that anyway, but the truth is you suck at sucking. Just give her a jolly good rogering and look at the whole thing as a learning experience. Later you can ask what the problem was so you can get it right next time. If you’re really lame, you can ask for a regular play-by-play from the broadcast booth. A bit of the old “slow-down-you’re-going-too-fast–yeah-there-like-that-oh-that’s-perfect” can turn even the John Wayne Bobbitt of pussy eaters into a Doug Hart.

2) The Power Lunch
Nothing keeps you in the game and makes her cum harder than a mid-fuck munch. Pulling out in the middle of the race may leave her a bit confused, but it’s a great way for all you premature ejaculators to simmer down a bit and it reminds her neglected clitoris that he’s a somebody. If, after a few seconds, she still isn’t into it, you can save face by pretending you just couldn’t resist. Give it up and get back to the boff.

Extra tip: Unless you like the taste of your own latex-covered dink, keep your mid-fuck snacking to the upper clit region and stay away from the hole.

3) The Bottom
Fingers: If you are dealing with a particularly saucy vixen she may want something in her bum. A thumb gives you the best leeway, but keep in mind you are doing a raunchy thing and this should be saved until the end. Incidentally, if you’re trying to introduce a bum finger as a good thing, try eeking it in during orgasm. If it doesn’t wreck everything you could have a Pavlovian response on your hands for the rest of the relationship.

Hole: We’re not going to get into licking the actual hoop in this article because if you’re into that, you’re way too advanced for this seminar and should have graduated with a PhD in pussy years ago.

Cheeks: Bum-cheek rubbing is always good. There are over five hundred thousand nerve endings on those cheeks, so giving them a good squeeze or a slap while you lick the pussy will get you instant results.

4) The Double Whammy
Though some idiots say it takes away from when you actually put in the dink, simultaneous fingering is a great way to totally blow her mind. Think of it as the crack cocaine of cunnilingus.

5) Being Knackered
Tongue exhaustion is the number-one cause of abandoned manging, but there are many ways to avoid it. Like we said, using your tongue as an inanimate object is a great way to give it a rest. Stick it out as far as it can go and tense it. Then bite into it with your teeth and move it around the cunt using your neck muscles. Another solution is simply to use your fingers on the clit while you give your mouth a rest.